My own war

I'm waging my own war with saro now. I'm freezing him out.
Trying to avoid him. I basically don't want to see him and don't want him to see me until Saturday. 
I want him to not see the kids much either. I want him to.come home everyday to see the kids sleeping.
I'm devious.

He needs to know what it's costing him - his careless commitments. Price he pays is lack of time with us. And if this doesn't cost him that's fine too. That's the difference. For me. I'm okay now of it doesn't matter to him. At least I'm psyching myself to grow to be OK. 

I may just hurt myself most . I need to be careful.
Only problem. I'm fragile. If I feel he is mad at me I will crumble.

He tried calling but I didn't answer
I was in a meeting ..no message from him

He emailed yesterday.
I didn't reply. 

He hugged me. I put his hand away.
Second time I left it. He melted away at some point and I just felt relief.  I felt so glad ashwin was asking me to tell him ramayana. 

Why am.i freezing him out when he's making these attempts to reach out?
In a way I'm just being true to how I feel. I don't feel like responding to him
I'm battling ways of dealing with him and his absences.

I could make light of his absence or make it a big deal.
I don't know what to do.  He could freeze me out. I will accept it. I'd have to. And the marriage ...will crumble.
Sigh.

I'm at  a loss. For now I'm not going to go out of my way to freeze him or welcome him. Just go with flow.

Yesterday i was solicitous. Just that his bloody schedule threw me off. 
Can I vent here?
He's out thurs fri sat sun mon tue wed Fri mon wed
And I bet he'll be out sat and sun too.

And there I was afraid he-ll drop everything coz of me@ ! My usual arrogance! 

Maybe it's that mismatch in my feara and reality that's hurting me and making me cold