Depression

Recognising is the first step
I did some of the things recommended
Tried calling subair
Went for 15 min yoga on my own even when I missed the class coz of long meetings
Right now I recognise I'm afraid
I want to pin down  what I'm afraid of
I'm afraid saro will just drop all that he wants to do coz of me
Then I'm scared he'll be resentful of me
I'm scared I'll be the reason for him to go into depression

Are these selfish fears? Am I afraid of being the cause of bad things

Plus of course I don't want him moping around at home feeling pegged in by me.

I think... I need to talk to sham

I'm scared of things I can't control
Scared of losing control
Want to be a better person

I'm fighting lots of battles
Top of the list being my own expectations ... of myself of him

I need that serenity prayer  I gave sutha.  Lord grant me the courage to change the things I can , the serenity to accept the things I can't,  and wisdom to know the difference.

I don't know if I should have burdened him with all that yesterday
Who says my feelings and emotions are so important that I can wreck his peace of mind?

Classic selfishness.

In a generation of me-ness and my-ness.  He is more of their-ness.  My ideal in many ways only mine stay as empty ideals and his actualize

I honestly do have a lot to thank god for in him. He doesn't have very much to thank in me. I nag scold

But I am letting self pity interfere with the thinking through here. Gotta stop.

Plus... if all goes well I only need to put up with two more years of this. Then I uproot him and stick him in the states.
Matter of time I guess before he finds ways to serve there too. Service is god. I'm the  selfish one.